Blog #7: Depression & Music Part Two - The Stranger

However unintentional your mistakes, you are still responsible for the harm your stranger has caused.

When you've existed in a state of deep, unrelenting depression for a long time, it's easy to convince yourself that you've changed. For a time, I suppose you have, at least as far as anyone around you can tell. It's easy to convince yourself that the change is permanent. That the person you once were is dead and gone and you are now a monster, a vile beast, far too unlovable to expect any different than the misery that so plagues you. Perhaps worst of all, you become a stranger to yourself. While it is certainly true that without the right tools and outside help, you can be permanently changed by your mental health battles, YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON!

I find myself often trying to explain my own mental health issues to people who are fortunate enough to have never experienced it and while this is nearly impossible, I frequently tell them, it's like having 2 different personalities. One personality is you. On a good day, I believe I am kind, artistic, goofy to a fault and deeply empathetic, at least that's what I strive for anyway. The problem, of course, is that those aren't my characteristics when I'm the stranger. In my depression and anxiety, I am often miserable to be around. Cold and dismissive, angry, and in some cases, down right cruel. Especially to the people who mean the most to me. Even while writing this I can feel a lump forming in my throat at the thought of it. The good news is, THAT'S NOT ME! Mental health issues often (and in my case) stem from a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's as though you made a wonderful apple pie but threw in a cup full of salt before baking it. It doesn't matter at this point how wonderful the pie may have been, it's not anymore!

Realizing the real you is still there underneath the 'brain salt' is, on one hand very freeing! It gives you something to fight for! But, however unintentional your mistakes, you are still responsible for the harm your stranger has caused.

Your stranger can be a terrible person. He can hurt people, destroy relationships and even sabotage your future. Even when he thinks his actions are noble and just, his mind is unclear and he often pays dearly for those choices, so unfortunately, you do too. When you're done working on you (or even while you do), you must repair these damages.

You can beat the stranger. Perhaps you can't kill him off, but you can render him a non factor in your life. Job one, seek professional help! I know several people with deep issues who cringe at the thought of talking about their deep seeded emotional demons with someone, especially when they're being paid to do it. Honestly, I get it, it's weird sometimes and there are some that you just won't vibe with. But you keep looking until you find one that you do! You aren't worth it, right? You're currently in full stranger mode, spitting venom and wishing for death? Then pick a person, make them a promise, and do it for them! Exercise, eat right, and be accountable to someone!

This is hard. Being depressed and having severe panic attacks is the worst suffering I can imagine. If you disagree, count yourself blessed that you don't know! I have suffered worse than I ever thought was humanly possible but I'm winning. Had Covid not tripped me up, I'd already be on my victory lap! I'm going to win because I owe it to the people in my life who have stood by my stranger and tolerated all the vile things he did and forgave all the stupid choices he made.

When I have a hard day and my stranger has me on the ropes, I live for them.

The clock stopped working long ago. Fine with me, I don't want to know

Because my awareness of the time makes me reflect and wrings me dry

Undisposed by Wishing Well