Blog #2: Death & Music

"I am a better man for having endured what I thought was my impending doom."

There isn't a single person on earth who is exempt from the tragedy of living. It's a depressing fact, but it's also what makes time and memory so valuable. We will all succumb to the shutting down of our physical selves. It's something that can and has consumed many a great man.

As humans, we're obsessed with keeping our physical machines running! We have doctors, therapists, gyms, diets... The list goes on and on of ways to keep ourselves "alive". But it's not just about our organs and bones, it's also about our mental state. Your own brain can betray you in so many different ways that it's staggering! Mental health problems are the new cancer these days and in our modern society where we work almost constantly and have access to all information regardless of it's relevance or validity, it's no wonder.

I have suffered for more than half of my life with severe mental illness due to another medical issue. It caused me to view death in many different ways over the years. An ending, a tragedy, an escape, peace... Obviously (based on my previous post) I believe in God and part of that is believing in an afterlife, however, when you're in the depths of despair and your mind has betrayed you, it is nearly impossible to see the positive in anything. At least that was the case for me anyway. When I tried to explain it to friends and family, I often said it was like being two completely different people. On one hand there's the positive, motivated me that most know, and on the other, a nihilistic heathen that is bent on self destruction and genuinely believes he deserves it. That's a very difficult way to go through life.

When I was a child, I learned of the concept of hell far too early in life. I also learned a common prayer...

"As I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take"

This scared the shit out of me! I would lay in bed, eyes burning, desperately trying to stay awake, and often sobbing when I felt the slumber taking me. When I did fall asleep, often times I would have dreams of burning in hell. As a result, the topic of eternal damnation is something I've pondered a lot in my life. I have read up on the subject and done everything in my power to wrap my mind around the concept and I've come to a conclusion. Unlike most who believe like I do, I do not believe in hell. Still, the passing from one existence into another is a huge inevitable factor that we all must live with.

I was able to make peace with my fear, however I did still have a deep interest in death and Armageddon. Perhaps "obsession" would be a more appropriate word but regardless, it was something I wrote about frequently.

In 2006 I started a new band and decided to write only from the perspective of that dark, depression-laden version of my psyche. We called the band "Ending Alexander". It was both a band name and an abstract character of sorts. We released one record and ironically, during the making of this record my health deteriorated rapidly. I hadn't mentioned it to my bandmates but I was convinced this would be my final record. After it's release we did tour a little but it didn't last long. I was too sick and had to bow out of music entirely.

For the next 4 years my debilitating depression and anxiety shut me down completely, not to mention the physical illness. As a result, I also developed severe agoraphobia and never left my apartment. I had completely accepted my fate and was waiting to die. What I didn't realize at the time was the value of suffering.

When a parent is teaching their child the value of money, they start by teaching them that earning the money themselves will mean that they will have far more appreciation for the things the money can buy. Similarly, when you suffer in life, you find it much easier to appreciate the good and you can use your experience to help others who are suffering. To suffer, teaches true empathy for your fellow man.

As destitute as I thought I was during my darkest years, I am now grateful for what that horrible time has taught me. I am more patient, I am more kind, and I have empathy for the suffering of others that I didn't have before that time. I am a better man for having endured what I thought was my impending doom.

My past has taught me to live with reckless abandon. That doesn't mean skydiving and swimming with sharks but to engage deeply in relationships, speak your mind regardless of backlash, and most of all, be aware that others have learned lessons that you have not. The potential value of every person you meet is endless. Understanding the value in individual personal experience makes you a better individual.

So at the end of our short time here in this existence, hopefully the people mourning our passing will share stories of how our tragedies improved their lives. And even if you don't believe in an afterlife, you'll at the very least, live on in the goodness that you left your fellow mortals.

It's funny how no one quite turns out exactly how we want to be

But I've found out that I'm just fine now with songs about ends and tragedy

So I'll just rhyme my fate and wait for the band to play

Turn The Page by Ending Alexander, 2006