Blog #8: Time & Music

Time is still terrifying but it's also motivating! It's an unrelenting mentor, constantly pushing you to seize the day.

Time is something that has always interested me. Mostly because it angered me. Given the numerous health issues I've collected like baseball cards, I had never expected to live long. I'm sure if I think long enough about it I could admit to some grand romantic ideal that caused me to think this way, and perhaps that is part of it, but there has also been real evidence to support this possibility. Like most anger, it stems from fear. Fear of death? Maybe. Even as someone who believes in an afterlife there is an uncertainty to death that makes it scary, even for someone who believes in God. I think though, that most of my fear was in not being someone who is remembered. Perhaps it's a selfish thing but I want to leave a legacy. It doesn't have to be enormous, but I want to leave a unique and positive thumbprint on the world.

In an effort to create my legacy, I lived my younger years like there was no tomorrow. I never even considered preparing for the future because I didn't believe I had one. Of course, along the way, I met people who made me wish for a future but never allowed myself to believe there would be one.

Something changed in the summer of 2012. From this moment on, my entire perspective on life and legacy changed entirely. That summer, I had a baby girl. From the moment I held her, I knew my thinking was going to change regardless of whether I wanted it to or not. The world seemed less important now, I wanted to leave a legacy for her. Better yet, I wanted to be here for her!

At this point in my life, I was in a state of euphoria. Not surprising I suppose but I never thought I'd be a parent and I love it! Getting to watch her grow and become the little human she is, is an absolutely fascinating and joy-filled process. I was, however, still angry. In fact it was growing and as time past (much faster now, as all parents can relate to) I became sad. I've suffered from depression since I was a teen but this was different.

The thought of not being around to see my daughter grow up was more than I could handle. The pain that it would inevitably cause her to lose her dad kept me up at night. My mind eventually went straight back to time.

I hated time. In my sleep deprived, depressed mind, time was a thief, an inevitable evil, hiding in the shadows, just waiting to rob you of your dreams and snuff out any joy that your convictions could bring. Time ends friendships, takes away family members, weakens you and prevents your goals from being achieved. And if you obsess about time enough you start breaking it up into different sections. My time was in a race with my daughters time, at least in my mind. I started doing the same thing I did when I was young. While my wife and daughter lived their lives around me, I was living for the moments I could collect. Instead of thinking about a future I was thinking about the legacy I would leave in my little girls mind. The problem with doing this was that the more memories we created, the more I adored her! She is smart and hilarious. She's loving and kind. I could see the influence of both myself and her mother and was so honored to have had the chance to be her dad but it also made me more depressed.

I realized that in an effort to make the most of my time, I was spending most of it obsessing about my inevitable doom. It consumed me so deeply that I eventually wanted to just get it over with.

During this time, I hid my doom and gloom. Partly because even at my worst, being with my daughter still brought real joy. It was pure joy during the day and deep sadness at night. Needless to say, this insane juxtaposition was exhausting and wasn't anywhere near sustainable or healthy.

I had given up. I made an honest effort to numb myself to the idea that I wouldn't be around long but then something happened. Something I hadn't even considered a real possibility. My doctors put a new plan in place and with the help of a part time, in home nurse, I got my health back. This wasn't just a happy surprise, I was so sick for so long that it felt like I was being born into a whole new world. For months I kept my phone in my hand. Even a trip to Home Depot for lightbulbs felt like a wonderful experience, deserving of snapping photos along the way! Every new experience caused tears of joy to flow. It was embarrassing but I didn't care. It was a new world and I was going to live! There was however, one thing about all of this that worried me. Not the depressed, hopeless type of worrying that I was so familiar with but worry none the less.

For the first time in decades, I had time.

This, of course, was an amazing thing. The issue is that, I was entirely unprepared for it. My band signed to an indie label while we were still in high-school. I've never done anything else, nor had I even considered that I might need to. At the age of 43 (an age I'd never considered being) I don't even want to be on tour for months on end. I want to be here with my daughter so this puts me in the unexpected place of considering my future. It's a wonderful and terrifying thing. Especially now that my legacy from here on starts and ends with my little girl. I want her to be proud of her father and to look to me as a safe place that she can rely on. While I have been a great dad (if I do say so myself), I certainly am not established like the people around me that acquired a post secondary education and/or entered the work force while I was sweating and bleeding all over stages. While I certainly don't regret my choices, it does put me in a unique situation and while the old me would see this as a horrible situation that has no solution, I choose to look at it as a new adventure. After all, the alternative was being dead so it's tough to complain.

Time seems different now. It's still terrifying but it's also motivating! It's an unrelenting mentor, constantly pushing you to seize the day. It's a reminder every morning that you have only so much time to live out your purpose on this planet and it's the sweet, defining moments of the past that are so crucial in shaping you along the way.

Failure and pain are inevitable. They are a constant reminder of the hell life can be sometimes but the most wonderful thing about these experiences is that time will pass.

I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do from here but... I have time.

Time stands still while decades pass

These years go by, it's everlasting and it's all brand new

This fire burning won't burn out, I'm confident but I'm still doubting

It's all I can do for you

Love like an angel is taking me from me

No one besides her is making me so me

- Besides Her by Complete