Blog #33 - God and Suicide

If you are having thoughts of suicide, that is a spiritual attack.

When I was 19 I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night. My parents were away, my brother was asleep. The moonlight was lighting the floor but little else. I grabbed the sharpest knife from the wooden block on the counter and sat with my back pressed against the cabinet below. I swallowed down my seething to keep quiet but it constricted my muscles so hard that my entire body ached. I pressed the blade against my wrist and closed my eyes. I tried to pray but the only words that came out was "God, please".

I had been having sever panic attacks and at the time, I didn't know what they were. I was stressing out my family and had lost the ability to find joy in anything. I was frequently throwing up blood and was terrified all the time.

I remember thinking it would be better for my family and friends to just end it quickly so I could spare them the horror of watching me fall apart and die slowly.

As I held that blade to my wrist in my family's kitchen, I remember the moment I called out to God, I knew I couldn't press that blade through my skin even if I wanted to. I was frozen. I put the knife back in the block, went back to my room and cried myself to sleep.

I never told anyone about that night. I honestly just tried to pretend it never happened. That's the closest I ever got to killing myself.

I am not a doctor, I am not an expert but I know despair and I know there is confusion around this subject so, I'm going to tell you what I do know.

First of all, you DO NOT automatically go to hell if you kill yourself. Suicide is a symptom of an illness. It is very much a sin but there is only one unforgivable sin and suicide is not it! I was told for years that suicides automatically go to hell. It's a lie and it's a horrible one.

Suicide is, however, a horrible violation of God's nature and His intent for your life. We are created with Godly intent. Not just to exist but to act out His perfect plan for our lives. If you end up in a place where you're suicidal, aside from the health implications, it means you are off your intended path.

God will put you through difficult trials to prepare you for your deeper purposes but the idea of killing yourself is from Satan. It is demonic and wrong.

Since the age of 19, while I have still struggled, I have also had the most amazing, unique and wonderful life. I've had the most beautiful experiences, I have gotten to be a dad to the most gorgeous little girl, and I've accomplished all of my musical dreams and then some! I didn't see a future at all that night on my kitchen floor, but here I am.

People often say "suicide is selfish". It's just not true. Most people who want to take their own life have been so deceived that they honestly believe they're helping those around them by removing themselves from their lives. They are deep thinkers and very emotional people but they are not thinking clearly and need understanding. While there are often medical reasons that can be diagnosed and treated, there is often no talk about the spiritual aspects of what's happening.

We are in a spiritual war. If you are having thoughts of suicide, that is a spiritual attack. That's why when even non religious people are at their lowest, their automatic reaction is to call out to God. Even when they claim not to believe in Him. You call out because you were created in His image and are connected to Him whether you acknowledge it or not.

Everyone is different but the most helpful thing anyone ever said to me about killing myself was that it would ruin their life forever. That was the opposite of what I wanted. A person who considers suicide does not want to die, they want the feeling they're having to die. This includes the feeling of being a burden to their friends and family. As misguided as it is, it's not selfish at all.

Your suffering is a lifeline to someone in the future. Your ability to empathize with others is often why God allows you to experience hard times. It was not God's plan for me to press that knife into my vein or even consider it but that experience has helped others and as horrible as it was, it was worth it.

God has a purpose for your life. You are meant to be here. The creator of the universe intended your existence long before the world was created. Your value is infinite.

Stay here.