Blog #32 - Fear Not

Fear not, the Lord is with you.

I've died a million times without the satisfaction of the ending. That's what I tell people when they ask what panic attacks are like.

Imagine a man in the electric chair knowing they're moments from death. The stress of it constricts all your muscles, prevents your lungs from expanding, causes your limbs to go numb, your heart to race... Eventually you hyperventilate which causes you to feel like you're passing out and perhaps you would if your adrenaline wasn't on overdrive and just as you get to the point where you're begging for death to take you, it begins to subside. Sometimes it's a few minutes, sometimes it's more. That's what a severe panic attack is like.

Once an experience like this is over, you're so grateful that it usually causes an emotional breakdown. Unfortunately, you now have to deal with the exhaustion, the sore muscles, the back pain, and the fear of it happening again.... The fear.

Fear is unbelievably powerful.

The Bible tells us not to fear 365 times. Once for every day of the year. It's clearly very important to avoid fear in your life and the only way to achieve it is to let go of your own control and allow God to take over. Not to stop doing the work but to believe with every part of yourself, that God is in control. In order to do this, however, you must read your Bible. You have to keep yourself locked into the nature of God so you don't misunderstand the difficulties that come your way.

During the many years of illness, I have struggled with fear more than most and because of bad advice and misunderstanding on my part, I believed that my suffering was because my faith wasn't strong enough.

I've watched over the years as many people I have known have been miraculously healed. I am genuinely happy for them but part of me wonders why someone who suffers less than I do, gets relief when I get none.

One night, I layed in my bed soaked in cold sweat having just begun to come down from a severe attack. While tears rolled down my face and I was starting to finally take deep breaths again, I remember asking myself if I'd be OK being this sick if it was the only way to keep my focus on God. It wasn't about fear of missing out on heaven because my belief would never waver but what if my being healthy caused me to miss my purpose in this life? I thought about it for a long time. Not because there was any doubt in my desire to live my purpose, but the suffering is that bad.

I finally decided I'd rather be sick than not live how God intended for me to live. I closed my eyes and simply said "ok God, your will be done". If my being sick keeps me closer to Him, so be it. If His plan is to heal me some day, I'm absolutely OK with that, but no matter what, I'm going to let go and live however I can with the little I have, in service to Him. I don't think I'm very good at it but, I'm on it.

In our society, we've removed God more and more for many years. In that time, anxiety, fear, depression and a myriad of other mental health issues have become so common that it's rare to find someone who isn't on medication. We are bombarded with news and images on our phones from all over the world that incite these feelings. It used to be our local newspaper and the 6 o'clock news but now it's everywhere, all day long. Our need to let go and rely on God has never been more prevalent.

Seperation from God makes us fearful. Fear makes us angry. Anger makes us hate. Hate makes us sin. And sin pulls us further from God but...

Fear not, the Lord is with you.