Blog #1: GOD & MUSIC

Music is the language of God. It is one of very few things that has the power to unite everyone at any moment.

I believe in God.

I realize that's not exactly an uncommon phrase. Perhaps you believe too. Or maybe you have family members who do. Regardless, I'm sure you've heard it before and therefore don't think much of it. After all, there are many people who believe in God but don't appear any different than anyone else, myself included. There are endless reasons why that could be, but the point is that it makes the phrase less impactful than it should be.

Take a second and really think about what "I believe in God" really means. I'm not talking about the fear or guilt that so many seem to think is the main side effects of such belief. I'm referring to the magnitude of what it truly means if God really does exist. It means that life is pure meaning! It means that your life was designed with intention and purpose! It also means that we are eternal beings. Perhaps that's where the real fear and guilt come from, after all how do even the most Godly of human beings come to terms with that kind of knowledge? Even the most intelligent of men are limited by their flawed human minds. I really have no idea how to come to terms with the idea that God exists and that's been a huge lesson in my life that I am learning and relearning constantly.

I am obsessed with facts and evidence and am constantly relying on my flawed human mind to put the endless magnitude of God into terms I can understand.

I am a musician, a song writer and a lyricist. It is my deep passion, second only to my faith and my daughter. It is also a deep struggle for me because like everyone else I have personal demons. Without getting into too many details, I have a lot of darkness in me. This makes it a struggle for me to create art that is true to myself but is also taking into account the belief that I have a meaningful purpose on this earth that I don't want to waste.

When I started writing lyrics, I automatically wrote from a generic, "churchy" perspective with forced references to God and very little depth for anyone to latch onto. I grew up in church and that was what "Christian music" was. Ironically, no one in "Christian music" ever seemed to feel that it was ok to write about their fears and doubts, or expose any vulnerability whatsoever, so, as a teenager, I did the same. As I got older though, and the malevolence of life reared it's ugly head, I realized that there was very little difference between my Christian friends and my non Christian friends. The only difference was that my Christian friends had an underlying hope that wasn't there in the non Christians. This bothered me. It was as though believing in God didn't do anything to thwart the demons of life. Then in the middle of my confusion, my own demons decided to take the opportunity to grab hold. As life became more difficult than the "I'm going to live forever" mentality of adolescence, I began to write what in my mind was much more "secular" lyrics. In reality, it was just a much more real version of myself that I was letting be exposed. Still, I wrestled with it.

In my twenties when I wasn't on tour, I decided it was time to educate myself on what exactly it was I claimed to believe. I started reading up on Christianity and several other religions. Of course, by this point I knew enough to get by but I wanted to read from other sources, not just the Christian perspective. By the time I was done, I came to some interesting conclusions.

Firstly, I don't believe exactly like others and that's ok! See, faith is a complex thing to navigate. It's one thing to have aspects of life that you don't understand, but it's a whole other thing to pretend the questions don't exist for fear of being made to doubt your faith entirely.

Secondly, even the most prominent Christian figures had darkness in their lives, just like me.

I realized that there is no such thing as non Christian lyrics if they are written by a Christian. My entire journey is part of my Christianity. I can write about alcohol, drugs, even the suicidal thoughts that I had sometimes because it is all a part of what makes living by faith so great! It screams YES! I have been sick most of my life and YES! I've suffered far beyond what I thought was even possible but it then says NO! I won't let it destroy me completely because I have a purpose here that I want to see through and I know I'm not alone in this! It certainly doesn't mean that it hurts less and I still don't fully understand why suffering is a part of life but I do know that there is a blindingly bright light at the end of my tunnel and even though I'm limited to what this tiny human mind can comprehend, I can feel confident in the impermanence of my suffering.

Music is the language of God. It's one of very few things that has the power to unite everyone at any given moment. I may not change the world with the words I write but if I'm lucky, I'll at least let someone know that they're not alone in their misery. I'm here too, but I still can muster a smile every now and then because I believe we were designed with intention and purpose.

I believe in God.

I've used the bottle to stay warm. My lungs are black, I'm battle worn.

My heart, at times, has been cold as stone.

I've told a thousand lies and then I blamed not me, but all of them.

I've never kissed the ring, just sought the thrown.

But I've loved. I believed in more than what I can see.

And I've lost more than I've ever known but that's all right because I've always loved you.

Triton Horn by The Bully Club 2019